Full text of "Humbug"
MAY 1958 SPRING ISSUE 15c CDC
~£ 3 -
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Sill ill M HUMBUG HOLIDAY ALBUM % jgf ggj
SAINT PATRICK'S DAY
NEXT ISSUE WE QO FANCY
Humbug is raising its price
to 25? with the next issue clue
to rising operating costs', plus
an insatiable appetite for
We are going to print a
standard magazine size so that
you will no longer have to
search for us amongst the
comic-books. Now you will
find us amongst the larger,
more sophisticated publica-
tions — the crayon coloring
Note the subscription cou-
pon in the back of this issue.
Use it. You’ll never be able to
get Humbugs so cheap again
after April 10th, 1958, unless
you trade or steal.
On to the letters:
Dear editor Harvey Kurtzman :
The staff at Night Beat
would like to extend thanks to
you for appearing on Night
Beat . . . Leonard Zweig
Producer Night Beat
Dumont TV, N.Y.C.
Hey — anybody out there see
TV AWARDS 3
LOG OF SOLAR HAWKE 7
WHO GETS KILLED 9,18.32
SCIENCE EDUCATION 10
Do you use a man’s deodor-
ant? —Bob Taylor
Royal Oak, Mich.
Last night my son, age 14,
went to the corner food store
to purchase some comic books.
Upon his return I looked over
the books he had purchased.
Two of them were Superman
comics which are a little fan-
tastic but not too questionable.
Then I picked up this humbug
magazine and I was flabber-
gasted. Such TRASH . . . down-
right filth . . . What grownup in
their right mind would write
such low-minded tripe and
then present it to children.
This is like going to the gar-
TABLE OF CONTENTS
NEW SOLDIER'S MAhlt/AL. . 13
SPORT CAR RACINQ 16
QOLDY BOOK 19
bage can for your supper.
I am a member of the St.
Walter’s Woman Club at 1 1 8th
.and Westerp Ave., Chicago,
111. and believe me at our
very next meeting I am going
to carry this magazine and
make sure that this sort of
reading material is brought to
the attention of the committee
in charge - . .
This store where this book
was bought is going to be
named and after this month it
will be checked
—Mrs. R. Colburn
I have read a Humbug for
the first time and enjoy it very
much, except for that awful
cover of a nude woman. Your
magazine is really clean, so
why spoil it with a dirty cover?
... if you continue to use
covers of this type I will not
buy your magazine. I do not
object to the covers themselves
as much as I do to the fact that
I don’t want my friends to see
IMPORTANT MESSAGE 23
HUMBUG HERO OF MONTH 26
SPRINQ TRAINING 27
me reading a magazine that
from the cover appears to be a
dirty book.— WiHlarn Ruehling
In regard to your Feb. edi-
tion.... “1957 in Revue” which
I suppose you think was very
funny, but in regard to your
“outstanding shot” on Benny
Hooper, I think it was in very
bad taste. After all, thousands
of people were praying for
that little boy and I for one
cried when he was rescued . . :
If it was my son (of which I
have 2 of) I’d knock your
block off. — Mrs. S. Hasay
LoUhst Valley, N. Y.
The boys (men, I should
say) here at the Phi Delta
House think your new mag is
the “suavest.” — David Bremer
. . . Between Humbug and
The New Yorker life can go
on. — Gene M. Woelke
In Humbug there is a pic-
ture drawn of Elvis Presley . . .
1 was wondering if it’s possible
that 1 could have the very
same picture enlarged for my
personal use. If possible I
would like it to be 9 x 11
Despite your probable criti-
cism of Elvis, 1 think it is the
best dfcawing of him . . .
1 will pay any postage or
any other costs.
Anything you can do for
me will be deeply appreciated.
—Diana Jean Anderson
Yon are beyond our help. — ed.
Enclosed is the second issue
of my exclusive Humbug fan
magazine; SPOOF! ... I hope
you’ll plug this mag in your
letter cols . . . SPOOF! Pub-
lished monthly by:
405 Potter Ave.
Ann Arbor, Mich.
Ann Arbor, Mich.
We clods at St. Joseph’s
Prep mainly want to start a
Seymour Mednick fan club.
Anyone interested send to:
Seymour Mednick Fan Club
69 10 Heyward Street
Philadelphia 19, Pa.
— Richard Corliss
Here is an article that we
thought was utterly (censored). 1
Felice Zeller and May Glazer
Back issues <4 Humbug are
available at 20f per issue and
quests for these, we’re binding
a collection of lh^ first six:
Humbug magazines between
bard covers and selling the re-
sultant book for $2.50 which
is slightly more than cost to us.
Address mail to HUMBUG
598 Madison Aye., N.Y. 22, N.Y.
What with Emmys and Oscars being
issued this month, our magazine has de-
cided to create an award for the best t.v.
commercials of the year.
It’s about time people stopped razzing
the commercials— and so, we are giving —
for quality and sincerity of purpose -t<*
the following commercials, a HUMBUG
"Why Emily— how can
“ I'm wearing my Play iron bra and girdle, darling -
“Guess which hand holds the MNM.
Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep
“ Don't broadcast bad breath!
—If you don t want your radio to smell!'’
"Chained to the hot cigarette habit ?
"Mary! These paper napkins always /all!'
Break the hot cigarette habit!
“Excuse me, sir. I'm Manny the butler —down
l‘m here to tell you about this new napkin
Switch from hots to Colds!
—end be chained by the Cold cigarette habit!’
“Mary! You should see what l just stepped on! '
A mother with her child in the fields -
Buy her only the best kind of .. .ah .. . ahem . .
This is the earliest known attempt at Science Fiction. It was written in 1648.
Ye Solar Hawke took wing, or flapped-
off, as we saye,.this morning of ye Fiji,
September, 1849. Court and Confellors,
a0embed, witneffed our departure. Manye
waved as our flout, winged shippe rofe
flowly from the grownde. Betimes we
watched the Earthe growe fmalle belowe.
Soone London feemed but a dotte, and
Terra ytself but a meare greene cannon-
balle. Then darknefs fell.
Sept. 7 . Paffed ye Moone.
Sept. 8. Difficultie with our Meteorique
Deflectyon mechanism todaye neceffitated
lending a rapayre partye onto the outer
hulle to. mayke adjyustments. This ys the
fir ft tyme ye newe f pace-armour has beene
tefted in actyual ufe. Yt performed ex-
ceeding well; alfo, ye f pedal magnetique
fhoes clung neitly to the hulle and f pared
the wearers from being FLUNG out into
space, but inayde a dreddfulle noyse within.
Sept. 9. Sighted Mars, at 12 double-
noon (fidereal tyme). Alfo, this daye, dif-
covered stowaway aboard, hid in an un-
ufed apparatus-locker: While on watche
had heard ft range fcratchyng noyses;
^Vtloate in the Jttcrundyncre £>Kye
jiiyfo \kdartatuju, oa> rye. lAonottAaMe.^ Captcu/i and Camm~
jurOces.JfaaAe, aswb f/looto iAe,
Log ° f t hc Solar Hawke
threwe open cabinett and theyre perceived
a young ladye, verye faire and neitly dreffed,
who feemed no whit dijcompojed by my
outraged expoftulations, nor by the, ordeal
of her five dayes concealment in swych
narrowe quart yers. She is ycleped GWEN-
NA HARDY NG, and is sole heiress of the
rich Sir ANDREW HAftDYNG; she is
greene-eyed, redde-haired and verye fiery-
tempered, meseemeth the f polled darling
of an oVerindulgenl parent. Defpite my
cold react yon towyatd her pre fence in our
midft she wonne the hearts of all the crewe
that night by cooky ng them " the firft goode
mele they ete since leaving Terra". I would
tafte none of yt, howyvyr, which mayde her
Sulk moft charmingley.
Sept. 10. Landed on Mars. A ere thinne
but brealhyable. Difcovered manye new
and curyous vegetable forms, all fmall and
fcrublike, howyvyr, and feemingly innoc-
uous. Collected fpecimens of every fpecies.
Sept. 11. Sent partyes to explor the re-
gion. One groupe returned with tales of
having feen a giant (6 foote) polyp-like
plante with waving upper fronds, long,
ftalk and quadrupedal rootes by means of
which, aftonishingly, it fled away oh theyr#
Sept. 12. Entire company went out, in
groupes, in fearch of aforementioned
“ movyng polyps". My groupe, confifting
of myfelf, ye third mate and Miftrefs
Hardyng, ftumbled on a covey of them,
whereupon they attacked us in myfterious
manner with ftrange paralyzyng rayes
emitted from theyre upper branches. We
fell downe, helplefs, and our arms were
bownd. Thefe uglie creaty ures are now
fhepherding us towyard fome unknown but
doubtlefs gruefsme deftination. I am fcrib-
bling this, covertly, as we encamp for the
Sept. 13. Juft before dawn the third
mate tryed to breake and runne. He was
immediately cut downe by the polyp-men
who fyred at him with fome fort of a
difintegrating-piftol, and the pool fellowe
vanished into fmithereens! Gwenna and I
are now alone againft thefe vicious mon-
fters. Heaven protect her, fweet lafs; for
myself I Care Not.
Sept. 14. This daye we reached our
journeys ende, an immenfe metropolifs
peopled by thefe polyp-men. We were ef-
corted into a tall, vaulting arbour, the
dwelling of theyre KING, and fhortly
found ourf elves confronted by this Loathe-
fome Monarch. Behinde his throne theyr
hung a gigantique mappe on which were
pictyured all the Plannets in theyr Orbitts.
Be fide him flood a grim machine, a horrid
raye projector of the fame fort as had been
ufed to kille the mate, but vaftly larger;
and by poynting to the mappe and then the
weajypon he communicated his intention to
DEFT ROY THE EARTH! A fit rye siezed
me; while he thus boafted I fnatched
Gwenna to my side, f prang for the trigger
of the raye projector and fwung it wildly
in a circle, firing as / did fn; nor did 1 cease
until all trace of this repulfive civilizatyon
had been blowne tb atonies! When all was
levelled With the grownde, I took the
fwooning Gwenna in my arms, revived her,
jotted downe thefe notes, and then set off
with her acrofs the desert.
Sept. 15. We trudged all day, and then,
toward evening, happening to look up into
the sky e, to our great joy beheld the Shippe,
which had flowne out in fearch of us. We
fignalled frantikly, they saw us and droppd
down, took us aboard, and, but for a brief
stop hack at thedeflroyed city of the polyps,
where we recovered the ftill-fmoking rave-
projector (it will be highely ufeful back on
Earthe againft the French), set an imme-
diate courfe ftraight for home, where my-
felf and Gwenna purpofe to be marryed at
ye firft favourable opportunity .
— Ed Fisher
FIND INC/ THE MUMMY ...“and you know who" gets killed.
Don’t tell me
The secret en-
trance tb the
tomb of Tut-en-
Frut-en . . .
CROSSINQ DEATH VALLEY ...“and you know who” gets killed.
It’s a long walk to the next water-
hole ... so you’d all better conserve
your water — That means you too, pardner.
I’ll decide how to
conserve my own
water myself, cowboy.
RUSSIA SPURS U.S. EDUCATION
SPUTNIK SCOOP SHOWS UP OUR EDUCATIONAL WEAKNESS
♦ THE NEW -science-oriented
kindergarten area is vital
first step in starting off
impressionable young minds
in the right direction.
MISSILE ERA school busses fea-
turing multi-stage compon-
ents, can be easily dropped
off, speeding daily pick-up
and delivery of students.
AVERAGE ORD'NARY 'STUDENTS get the usual educational
facilities, while the bright, gifted science students are
given encouragement to help develop their talents.
SCIENCE PU8UC RELATIONS courses
all school levels, liniphasis will be pU
news releases that make failures look i
xill be required at
:ed on the giving of
s good as successes.
since sputnik, a huge program to improve our educational system is underway.
Of course, this is all in the field of science, and naturally the other subjects
will have to be neglected even more. But then again, in a world that is sitting
on top of a hydrogen Bomb, who needs subjects like art, music, literature and
philosophy? Encouraging those things could only lead to. .. to. ..er... ugh. ..peace.
not ail educators are taken in by the prestige and financial rewards of fhe science program. Above are pictured some who
stand up for their own subjects. Our hats are off to these valiant individualists who refusd to give up their ideals.
ANSWER FOLLOWING QUESTIONS BY CHECKING YES OR NO.
1. Werner Von Braun is a U.S. rocket expert. CD CD 30 points
2. Vanguard was a U.S. missile. CD CD 20 points
3. Sputnik is a Russian fairy tale. CD CD 30 points
4. Radioactivity is a working disc jockey. CD CD 15 points
5. Johann Sebastian Bach was a composer. CD CD 2 points
6. Michaclangelo is president of Italy. CD CD 2 points
7. The Pilgrims looked for religious freedom. CD CD Vz point
8. Philosophy is a dead language. CD CD Vi point
i.q. tests will help separate worthy sci- fraternity initiations will get some
ence pupils from the worthless others. new twists from the big science kick.
Our friends at Ballantine Book Publishers have asked us to advertise their line
of crazier paper-backed-books. But they warned us to advertise all titles equally,
without prejudice or favor for the Humbug Digest. Now would we do a thing like that?
Send books checked above.
Mail to Ballantine Books,
I will pay 4(V for single copies or $1.00 for three copies.t
Address — : 1 '
Department Bug 2, 101 Fifth A ve., New York 3,N. Y.
FM 21-100 HUM
BASIC FIELD MANUAL
U. S. ARMNAYIATOR’S
Prepared under the direction of LARRY SIEGEL
former PFC of the former U. S. Army
Notes— The pronAhd
and Air Force missile programs to help us overtake
Russia’s rocket lead has been found insufficient. The
government has now decided to have COMPLETE uni -
fication of the three branches.
Instead of a clumsy system , whereby three different
groups of men each step on the other’s toes , it has
been decided to form a clumsy system , whereby OISE
group of men steps on their OfFIS toes.
The new U.S. fighting man is now a combination of
all three branches. His group is called: THE ARM •
N AVIATOR CORPS.
This is an excerpt from its Basic Field Manual.
ARMNA VIATOR COURTESY AND SONGS
Section I. Armnaviator military courtesy.
II. Armnaviator Corps songs.
Ill Wearing the uniform.
® ef0 j C an officer was always a man whom you picked out from the other men
and saluted. Among enlisted men this was called military courtesy.
In the new Armnaviator Corps, an officer is always the man whom you pick out from the
o er flying land sailors or sailing airmen dog-faces or marching sea aviators-and salute. Among
enlisted men this is called impossible. 6
j Following are some of the more common.occasions on which you may have the opportunity
to demonstrate your Armnaviator military courtesy:
a When you are m the air or on the sea and you spy an officer on land, you come to a com-
your right eye Uy ° # y ° Ur e " Ein ° “ Mt “ P your anchor and sna P y‘ our ba 5' on6t smartly to
b. When you are tin land or on the sea and you see an officer in the air (with your remaining
left eye , you come to it complete halt, lift your rifle to present arms, or lower your life-boats, and
hand salute. He will return your salute by dipping his wings.
c. When you are in the air, on the sea and on land simultaneously (as you will be from time to
time ) and the officer is also in the air, on the sea, and on land simultaneously, come to a complete
halt, switch off your anchor, and bring your propeller to present arms.'
d \S you report. to an officer in his office, remove your parachute, take three quick steps for-
ward, loosen your life preserver and salute, “Sir, reports to .
He will respond with a rifle salute, unless he is on the bridge, at which time he will dip his wings
(Mote: the entire procedure is reversed, if the officer reports to you.)
e. If your ship is sailingalongside a plane with 'an officer aboard, make sure that you are al-
ways on the officer s left, unless he is mounted, at which time you should be on his right. If yon
are also mounted, your horse should salute. 3
f. It is unnecessary to salute in the following instance: when an officer passes you and you have
unfriendly fora” ” y °“ are crashing in flames-providing the officer is a member of an
ARMNAVIATOR CORPS SONGS
■ 1 ■ corps-is a singing corps. And the following Armnaviator Corps songs best express
the spirit of your organization: p
a) OVER HILL, UNDER SEA
Over hill, under sea, we will fly to victory.
That’s the U. S. Armnaviator Song.
Forward march through the air,
30 knots and we'll be there.
That’s the U. S. Armnaviator Song.
For it’s Hi-Hi-Hee
In the Flying Navy Infantry,
Shout out your numbers loud and strong
So on land we’ll flow as we cry, "Geronimo!”
That’s the U. S. Armnaviator Song.
b) ANCHORS AWEIGH
Anchors aweigh, my boy, fly skies of gray.
The infantry will lead the way, and so^r like
a jay through the bay, bay, bay, bay -
Now that we're navy men and all wear army gray,
We’re loyal air cadets, but tell us whom we
turn to for our pay!
e) OFF WE GO
Off we go into the wide blue ocean.
Digging deep into the sun.
Here they come, up in the sky in hiotion,
Fighting tanks, a thousand and dne.
Blast the foe — oh, oh, we’ve got a notion
The enemy troops, OUR uniforms wore.
We live amused or We die confused.
Hey! Nothing can stop the Armnaviator Corps!
d) FROM THE HALLS
From the halls of Montezuma to the shores
We will never be united with our sister
We are loyal to our fighting corps, and to
our movie screens.
John Wayne could not make pictures ’thout
United States Marines.
WEARING THE UNIFORM
SPORT CAR RACINQ
GLAMOROUS SPORT DRAWS LARGE CROWDS
The gay international sports car racing seasori
is now getting underway. The courses will pro-
vide the maximum in thrills due to picturesque
country roads and curious peasants who line the
way. This year as last, there’s a plentiful sup-
ply' of curious peasants, and the race fan can
look forward to action. And with lurk
" ; ' I
FINDINQ A SOU VEN I ER ...“and- you know who” gets killed.
Watch your step!
Remember what the
about booby traps!
I will dive one more
time . . . then, no more.
DIVINQ FOR P EA R L ... “and you know who” gets killed.
— you’d better
prince, or your
sister may just
Do not listen! .
me these two
Teaches the order and use of the
with beautiful illustrations for coloring and straining
the eyes. Large size type — so easy 1 16 read, an illiterate
can understand. Recommended for ages 1-2.
S is f ° r
TT is for
A. Lincoln r.„
p«» jo a dentalist '«■'
■ Hey! You? j
W' s f ° r
" ’ two
Vinter at de -
V f ’,/
M is for
a dirty Yoke
w Jf fast a Zleep
""™"' a Curse |
The following four
pages are like nothing
you have ever read
in a magazine before.
In a dramatic editorial session last month, the edi-
tors decided, that considering the time of year, the
following article must be published.
We will probably receive violent reactions to this
article— praise and heated criticism. But this is the
risk one takes in being bold and willing to take a stand.
Remember— the following is like nothing you have
ever read in a magazine.
Now steel yourself and turn the page.
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Conltmud on pair H
wpie ballplayer^ sharpen their
skills down south for the coming
gpnnant campaign, few are aware
of*tfie sgtfhg training going on
up norm. A visit to any ball
park would reveal the serioSS
activity of the diehard Imsb-
ball fans getting into con|f§non
for important roles they muar
play in the approaching season. 1 '
>st fans do not throw anything fancy. Her
SLIDING— A slide successfully executed
can change the whole appearance of the
game. Great speed and agility are required
to avoid being thrown out by the opposition.
A FIELDING— A great save is admired by
everyone, including opponents. For years
frustrated vendors have not bgen able to
get anything past the fielder pictured here.
DOUBLE PLAY-Very tricky. If he’s
out at second and then can't get back
to first bag, fan is D.R victim.
Dummies are used for practice only.
HITTING — A good swing develops
power. It is wise to. practice
against a variety of opponents.
This fellow does so by occasionally
changing pennants on punch bag.
1 BASF. STEALING -This fan displays some
real base stealing. In fact, there’s none baser.
Practices with papier mache bottles for fear
of brealdng valuable, real deposit bottles.
SIGNALS --No baseball season can get
underway without thorough knowledge by
all of these vital signals. A misunderstood
4 or disobeyed signal could spell disaster.
Little kiddies tussling, getting bruises
playing cowboys and indians, are
indirectly responsible for great ad-
vances in the field of medical dress-
Poison design for the little dulfer who
wants a label
t - ^§§ : • *
Belly button desigu will provide hours of fun and play.
spider — looks just like the real thing.
Nail-head design — looks like it's driven right io there.
* Caution : Do not place on open wound'.
ings — specifically, the imprinting
of adhesive bandages with gay de-
signs. This trend will most surely pro-
duce the following
30 0 0 O O Q Q O
Plunger tape for that uncooperative rascal, can be shot on.
Hidden, dye-tilled pocket gives real clfect of bleeding.dS«
ii ir ☆ THE HUM1UQ AWARD ☆' *
Dedicated to those' who give to our
Missile Program so generously' of their emotions and
without whose contribution we could do, this page honors
HUMBUQ HEROES OF MONTH
itlnued from page 25
A QUIET N ! Q H T . . . “and you know who” gets killed.
Father always promised me a
. Secure on a modem float-
ing hotel. Yes mother . . . this
is the only way to travel!
THE B I Q JOB ... “and you know who” gets killed.
■ a gallant band of amiable oddballs creates a hip and hopped-up humor
The hard core of the Kurtzman crew
are all roughly the same age and have
known each other since boyhood. Rum-
man, Elder, Jaffce and Humbug Man-
aging Editor Harry Chester all attended
The High School of Music and Art in
New York, where Kurtzman brightened
the bulletin boards with crude mimeo-
graphed satire while Jaffce and Elder
convulsed the lunchroom crowd with
comic pantomime and ail extensive
repertoire of vocal sound effects.
by ka Carnall
Once upon a time, In faraway
tew York, a group of artists, con-
ilstlng of Harvey Kurtzman, Jack
Itvls, Bill Elder, and Wally
good, were putting out a series of
omlc magazines never to be
quailed. They published stories
Mut war, horror, science fiction.
of faults, bu
a little sociable
*T : write
I for Brooklyn Colltgs,
article by rolf malcolm
f the eiOage VOICE,
by John Wilcock
From Mad to Madder
ly Sidney Skeltlty m
By GORDON LATTEY
THEYRE TALKING ABOUT
[ ere are clippings about HUMBUG
from Sidney Skolsky's Hollywood
column .. . from a college and high
school paper . . . from a couple of city
papers . . . and from Playboy magazine.
HUMBUG is clearly the most talked
about magazine in its class of the Buster
Brown throwaway, Muscles Today, etc.
Don't miss a single issue of this phe-
nomenon. Subscribe this minute.
I | Enter my subscription 10 Humbug. 1 am
enclosing $2.00 for the next 14 issues.
P] Send me these back issues (circled) at
20g per: 1234 5 6789
[ | Send me the hard-bound Humbug collection
(see page 2 ) for which I am enclosing $2.50.
■ "saaasaK: - w: zzrzs * ’YSMN&
- bj VYi *" , •‘ Humbu «” •nd » H.ppy HolidJf
AmiHffcali f}p%ays, ■
shows, and even The
Fabulous Opportunities Are Waiting
For Those Who Take My Training
...» .n I.O. 1
■ 0H<1 I '
Millions of TV-radio
sets break down
daily. Naturally a
wave of panic surges
through a family that
» ..... this happens to when
k!»« they realize the pro-
grams they will miss
that evening. This is
where the trained
technician steps in to
set things aright
again. And for this
mMm nliilr ™* Ie service to his
ne» >i.m fellow man, he is am-
- Hen Franklin p [y rewar ded. He is
regarded by those he
has helped in the
% same reverent man-
“b ner that they regard
their family physi-
" c ‘ an - At this point
'in.k'ini °more he can do and charge
n U mo»‘n n n'lr- anything he cares to
Monner • . . and usually does.
G.R.Q. TRAINED MEN
GAIN ALL AROUND
But after you've tak-
en the G.R.Q. course
you will learn to
thwart the parasites.
COME AND GET THE BIG MONEY
I Gel Rich Quick Institute of Electron. '
J Washington D. C. and A. C. I V ‘ ‘TB